


The Kagari Files [TOP SECRET]

by TracedInAir



Category: Little Witch Academia
Genre: Atsuko Kagari: Living Superweapon, Comedy, Crack-ish, Croix really was just trying to help, F/F, Humor, I use this line like 5 times but it cracks me up EVERY SINGLE TIME, Security forces are probably not this incompetent irl but let me have this, in this one specific aspect anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:27:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26478694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TracedInAir/pseuds/TracedInAir
Summary: To the Japanese Minister of Defence;I am writing on behalf of Her Majesty's Government of the United Kingdom to inquire as to why you neglected to inform us of the status of Atsuko Kagari, Witch in Training, as a living superweapon, as seen during the events of 2 February 2018. We request a formal response at your earliest convenience.To the British Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs;What.
Relationships: Diana Cavendish/Atsuko "Akko" Kagari
Comments: 38
Kudos: 215





	The Kagari Files [TOP SECRET]

**Author's Note:**

> This fic uses a workskin to change the font to Courier New to try and mimic security memos. I'd recommend you turn workskins on so you can see it, but it doesn't make a huuuge difference.

TOP SECRET AND CONFIDENTIAL

_3 February 2018_

_To the Director General of Her Majesty’s Security Service (MI5)_

ON THE SUBJECT OF ATSUKO KAGARI, WITCH IN TRAINING

Thank you for your letter of 2 February about the potential implications of the averted thermonuclear crisis, henceforth referred to under its popular title of, “Noir Missile Crisis.”

In particular, we wish to focus our discussion on the ramifications of the actions of Atsuko Kagari, Witch in Training. While we are aware that Kagari was not acting alone, her status as a Japanese national renders her potential threat level as more immediately concerning than that of Diana Cavendish, Witch in Training.

As it stands, our department has identified four particular areas of concern we would like your agency to investigate with regards to Kagari:

  1. Identify the mechanism by which Kagari and Cavendish were capable of destroying a magically-enhanced thermonuclear missile which was unaffected by both British and French anti-ballistic defence systems. Please find attached the testimony of Croix Meridies, Witch, as to the capabilities of the “Noir Missile.”
  2. Identify the potential offensive and defensive applications of this mechanism. In particular, identify what conditions are necessary for this mechanism to be replicated.
  3. Identify whether the mechanism is unique to Kagari and Cavendish. Given the relatively low impact magic has hitherto had on Defence, it seems unlikely that this ability is shared by all witches, but this is still a topic we deem worthy of investigation.
  4. Identify whether Kagari intends to use this mechanism or any other magical talents she possesses in the service of the United Kingdom for the duration of her study visa, or beyond. In the event that she refuses, we still highly recommend against extradition, for the reasons that: 
    * Kagari may be more willing to use the mechanism for her home nation and we would have potentially made a powerful enemy.
    * Kagari is well-beloved by the British public.



In conjunction with your investigation, we have asked MI6 to investigate why the Japanese Self-Defense Forces neglected to inform us of Kagari’s status as a living superweapon when she applied for her visa. Do not hesitate to contact the Foreign Secretary if you require their assistance.

_From the Secretary of State for the Home Department_

* * *

TOP SECRET AND CONFIDENTIAL

_14 February 2018_

_To the Secretary of State for the Home Department_

UPDATE WITH REGARDS TO ATSUKO KAGARI, WITCH IN TRAINING

It is with great regret that we inform you our interview with Kagari has not borne fruit in a manner quite to our liking. Furthermore, obtaining further interviews may pose challenging, for reasons that shall become apparent during the course of this message.

To summarise our attempts: Firstly, we requested the staff at Luna Nova Academy to permit us onto their campus in order to interview Kagari, as well as Cavendish and any of the other students involved in the Noir Missile Crisis. The school rejected our offer, quite firmly. Please find attached a copy of Headmistress Holbrooke’s response, with the profanity deleted.

Our second approach was to post agents in the nearby town of Blytonbury, and wait for an opportunity to interview Kagari the next time she visited. Today was the first such opportunity.

While we had hoped Kagari would visit alone, we saw the opportunity to solve two problems in one fell swoop, as she was accompanied by Cavendish. This is a mistake we will not make again, and would advise all other agencies to learn from our error.

Please find attached a transcript of the brief interview we were able to conduct with Kagari, before Cavendish returned. Please also find attached our operative’s report on the effects of teleportation magic when used with an effective range of over one hundred miles.

To summarise the interview, in brief:

  1. Kagari claims to no longer possess the mechanism by which she thwarted the Noir Missile Crisis, which she refers to as “The Shiny Rod.” Upon reviewing the footage of the incident, we believe this “Shiny Rod” to be the magical implement she was observed using during the Crisis.
  2. Kagari seemed receptive to our suggestion of using her magic for the benefit of the United Kingdom. Quote, “I want to make people happy with magic.” 
  3. Kagari claims the only witches capable of using the mechanism were herself and Cavendish, but furthermore claims that “Chariot” was once capable of doing so. Staff are presently working overtime to ascertain the identity of “Chariot.”
  4. When asked, in response to Statement II, if the capability to use the mechanism could be transferred, Kagari responded, quote, “I think that’s how it worked? But it returned to the stars, so probably not anymore.” The prior quote is assumed to be metaphorical, but we are unsure as to what.



Even taken at face value, Kagari’s statement leads to the alarming conclusion that the power of the “Shiny Rod” could be acquired by another witch through methods which we have yet to determine.

Continued monitoring of Kagari remains our top priority, as well as uncovering the identity of “Chariot.” However, it should be noted that we are unable to monitor her while she is on the Luna Nova Academy campus. In lieu of our own operatives, we believe the best option available to us is to approach Kagari’s fellow students to act as informants.

_From the Director General of Her Majesty’s Security Service (MI5)_

* * *

TOP SECRET

_27 February 2018_

_To the Director General of Her Majesty’s Security Service (MI5)_

INTELLIGENCE REPORT ON THE “SHINY ROD”

With regards to your letter of 15 February, I regret to inform you none of our officers had even heard of the “Shiny Rod” until recently.

We theorise that it is likely an advanced magic wand, which has potentially even greater capabilities than those demonstrated when it was wielded by Kagari and Cavendish during the Noir Missile Crisis.

We further theorise - given what Kagari and Cavendish were capable of while merely students - that in the hands of an expert, - which sources inform us Cavendish is already well on her way to becoming - the Shiny Rod may possess unparalleled magical capabilities.

_From Superintendent H. Azaria, NCA, Magical Crime Command_

* * *

TOP SECRET AND CONFIDENTIAL

_2 March 2018_

_To the Secretary of State for the Home Department_

COLLECTED STATEMENTS REGARDING ATSUKO KAGARI, WITCH IN TRAINING

  * H. ENGLAND (WITCH IN TRAINING):



Are you crazy? The only danger Akko poses to England is my sanity. No, she is not a threat.

  * B. PARKER (WITCH IN TRAINING):



I dunno, no one thought much of Akko but she did some pretty incredible things since arriving at Luna Nova. Like that time she helped out Diana. Wait, are you those government weirdos she was complaining about? Yeah get lost.

  * J. TOMAR (PROPRIETOR, LAST WEDNESDAY SOCIETY, BLYTONBURY):



Akko’s a good kid, been in here a few times. Boy I was shocked when the Shooting Star showed up to help her on TV! Still never found out how that one went missing. Hey, are you listening to me?

  * S. MANBAVARAN (WITCH IN TRAINING, FILIPINO NATIONAL):



Oh yeah, Akko’s the most evil witch in the whole world. She invaded my mind once. Definitely arrest her forever.

  * L. JANSON (WITCH IN TRAINING, FINNISH NATIONAL):



Please ignore everything Sucy said, Akko isn’t a threat. No she can’t use the Shiny Rod anymore, and even if she could she wouldn’t hurt a fly with it. Are you listening to a word I’m saying?

  * T. DEVALL (STREET CLEANER, BLYTONBURY):



I saw her doing a street performance with a guy dressed like a skeleton one time. Pretty funny. Threat? Didn’t she save France from that missile thingy?

  * A. O’NEILL (WITCH IN TRAINING, AMERICAN NATIONAL):



Get f---ed, limey.

  * U. CALLISTIS (WITCH, FRENCH NATIONAL):



If you don’t stop harassing my students I will phone the police. What do you mean you work with the police? Where’s your badge? If you keep this up I will report your conduct to the media. We’ll see what the public thinks about your constant harassment of a beloved national hero.

END STATEMENTS

P.S. MI6 operatives have found a promising lead with regards to “Chariot.” We hope to have more information on the matter shortly.

_From the Director General of Her Majesty’s Security Service (MI5)_

* * *

TOP SECRET

_3 March 2018_

_To the Director of the_ _Direction Générale de la Sécurité Extérieure_

ON THE SUBJECT OF CHARIOT DUNORD, WITCH

It has come to the attention of our agency that one of your citizens, Chariot DuNord, Witch, may be connected with the recent events concerning the “Noir Missile Crisis.”

Of particular note is the magical implement she can be seen wielding in the attached video, known as “The Shiny Rod.”

Any information you have on DuNord or the Shiny Rod are greatly appreciated.

_From the Chief of Her Majesty’s Secret Intelligence Service (MI6)_

* * *

_5 March 2018_

_To MI6_

ON THE SUBJECT OF BRITISH INCOMPETENCE

Why even have “Top Secret” when your security is so poor that a lone terrorist can hack your thermonuclear warheads and launch them at Paris.

Perhaps you would be advised to spend more time focusing on how you allowed that to occur, rather than bothering us about a children’s show performer.

P.S. C’est un but.

_From an Intelligence Director with better things to do_

* * *

TOP SECRET AND CONFIDENTIAL

_19 June 2018_

_To the Secretary of State for the Home Department_

TRANSCRIPT OF SECOND INTERVIEW WITH CROIX MERIDIES, WITCH

INTERVIEWER:

What can you tell us about the Shiny Rod?

MERIDIES:

That it’s gone. Returned to the stars.

INTERVIEWER:

Please explain the metaphor.

MERIDIES:

You lot really are that dumb huh?

INTERVIEWER:

Answer the question.

MERIDIES:

There’s no metaphor. It was an ancient magical artefact intended to unlock the Grand Triskelion and bring back Yggdrasil. It did that, so it’s gone now, probably right after that happened.

INTERVIEWER:

You were the one broadcasting the footage of Kagari and Cavendish, correct?

MERIDIES:

Yes.

INTERVIEWER:

And you cut the footage directly after the missile was destroyed, which you claim to be shortly before the Shiny Rod vanished?

MERIDIES:

Yes.

INTERVIEWER:

Why did you cut the footage?

MERIDIES:

I thought they were gonna kiss.

INTERVIEWER:

Please take this seriously.

MERIDIES:

I am.

END TRANSCRIPT

_From the Director General of Her Majesty’s Security Service (MI5)_

* * *

TOP SECRET

_28 July 2018_

_To_ _the Chief of Her Majesty’s Secret Intelligence Service (MI6)_

WHAT AM I EVEN PAYING YOU FOR

Was anybody going to inform me that the “lead” you claimed to have on “Chariot” was that one of your interns remembers being a fan of a children’s performer with the same name?

Please inform me at your soonest convenience which intern gave you the intelligence. I would love to have a discussion with them on the following topics:

  1. Their thoughts as to why not a single one of their superiors was able to identify Chariot DuNord after months of investigation, despite: 
    * The fact she was a world-famous performer. (The footage cited as evidence in your discussion with the DGSE is a YouTube video with tens of millions of views).
    * The fact she clearly and visibly used the Shiny Rod during her performances.
    * The fact her performances regularly featured key phrases used by both Kagari and Cavendish during the Noir Missile Crisis: 
      * “A believing heart is your/our magic.”
      * “Noctu Orfei Aude Fraetor,” which is presumed to be a magical incantation.
      * “Shiny Arc.”
    * Her stage name included “Chariot,” which is also her real name.
  2. Which of their superiors’ positions they would most like to occupy by the start of next week.



_From the Secretary of State for the Home Department_

* * *

TOP SECRET AND CONFIDENTIAL

_8 September 2018_

_To_ _the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs,_ _  
_ _CC: the Secretary of State for the Home Department_

CONCLUSION OF INVESTIGATION REGARDING THE SHINY ROD

This letter represents the culmination of our investigations into Chariot DuNord, Witch, as well as an update on MI5’s ongoing investigation and recommendations with regards to Atsuko Kagari, Witch in Training.

To summarise:

  1. Chariot DuNord, Witch, alias “Shiny Chariot,” was the previous possessor of the superweapon known as the Shiny Rod.
  2. The current possessor of the Shiny Rod is believed to be Atsuko Kagari, Witch in Training, Japanese National, but Diana Cavendish, Witch in Training, is also capable of wielding it. Cavendish has only been seen wielding it alongside Kagari, but it remains unknown whether she is capable of doing so without Kagari’s presence.
  3. Chariot DuNord disappeared from the public eye unexpectedly in 2009. Her last known sighting was at a performance in Paris, 30 April 2009, which was cancelled midway through for unknown reasons. 
    * Given Kagari’s statement that Chariot “used to” be able to control the Shiny Rod, we theorise that Chariot lost her control of the rod either at this time, or at some point in the intervening nine years.
    * It bears mentioning that 30 April 2009 is the same date as the unexplained Moon Assault Incident. This is possibly a coincidence, but alarming nonetheless.
  4. Chariot DuNord’s current location and activities are unknown. It is possible that Kagari is aware of her whereabouts (see attached transcript, 14 February 2018), but no conclusive evidence exists either way.
  5. Kagari claims the Shiny Rod has vanished and that she is no longer able to use it. This claim is echoed by Croix Meridies (see attached transcript, 19 June 2018).
  6. Kagari confirms that ownership of the Shiny Rod is able to be transferred.



These findings leave us with the following possible conclusions:

  1. Kagari and Meridies are telling the full truth, and the Shiny Rod is no longer able to be used. This is the best case scenario, but cannot be assumed.
  2. Kagari still possesses the Shiny Rod and is lying, or using metaphor to disguise her possession of it in some way.
  3. Kagari has lost possession of the Shiny Rod, and it has transferred to a new owner. The most likely candidate is Diana Cavendish, but as we have no knowledge of the process through which a new owner is selected, this remains speculation.



Based on these conclusions, and particularly point III-b, we fully support your proposal to have both the Shiny Rod and Atsuko Kagari, Witch in Training, designated as weapons of mass destruction.

 _From the Director General of Her Majesty’s Security Service (MI5),_  
and _the Chief of Her Majesty’s Secret Intelligence Service (MI6)_

* * *

CONFIDENTIAL

_5 May 2022_

_To A. Nichols, CEO at Magical Entertainment Ltd._

ON YOUR THREAT TO AMERICAN NATIONAL SECURITY

It has come to our attention that your company wishes to transport an internationally recognised superweapon (ATSUKO KAGARI, WITCH) from the United Kingdom to the United States of America. While this does not in itself constitute an act of war, we still request a full explanation at the earliest possible notice.

_From the Director of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA)_

* * *

CONFIDENTIAL, APPARENTLY

_5 May 2022_

_To the Director of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA)_

WHAT

What?

_From A. Nichols, CEO at Magical Entertainment Ltd._

* * *

_6 May 2022_

_To: believingheart2218@gmail.com_

_From: angela@mage.co.uk_

_Subject: Potential Delay to American Tour_

So Akko, I’ve got some bad news…

* * *

_2 February 2023_

_To Wedinburgh City Council, Registrar_

Good evening. While we understand your intentions in delaying the processing of the wedding registry of Mrs. & Mrs. Kagari-Cavendish, likely due to the sensitive status of Atsuko Kagari-Cavendish issued previously by this department, we are happy to confirm there are no issues, and you may proceed with processing their marriage registration. We would advise you to do so swiftly.

I would also like to personally request that while amending your mistake, you apologise on my behalf for my predecessor’s poor conduct, as well as reiterate my heartfelt congratulations to the happy couple.

_From A. Hanbridge, Secretary of State for the Home Department_

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably pure crack but it was also pure CRAIC to write ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
> 
> Comments appreciated as always!


End file.
